A lil on the drunk side

Have you ever sat back and wondered if your doing the right thing in life? Is the life you live is really going to get you anywhere? If your really happy with yourself, your life, your friend, your family and even your lover? Do you ever wonder how things would be in your life if you didn't know all the people you've came across in your life? Have you ever wonder what your life would be like with a different set of family members? If you were born in a different state? If you were born white or black, and any other race for that matter? So you ever wonder if your mother is the mother you really were born to live for, if god pick the right mother and father for you?

I'm a lil on the drunk side right now. And I have so many thoughts going on in my mind. I can't seem to control them. I can't even get my thought together to even think.

I don't think I am happy with myself anymore. I know this because I can't seem to become happy with anyone right now or anything that's going on in my life right now. Nothing is going well for me and I can't seem to handle it. I don't know what to do anymore. I just fill like running away. But I can't, I've already left Ohio. Now I'm in another state and I'm still not happy.

I know I need to be happy with self before anything, but how am I going to do that if I'm not happy with the way things are going right now in my life.

I wonder so many things, that's why I've asked all those questions. Like anyone is going to answer them!!!!!!

I'm not happy and I'm lost in thought, for words. For love.

Help me...

Lesbian Relationships

They are not easy. I made my gf go out yesterday after work and pick me up a note book. I didn't tell her what I needed it for untill I handed it to her last night after I wrote something in it. I've called this the relationship notebook. Everything is in it. Being that I feel she doesn't know how to talk to me without yelling it at me. I will no longer listen to what she has to say. She needs to write it down. She doesn't know how to talk to me. And to be honest, I don't think she's ever been in a real relationship before!!! And I don't know how I feel about that........She is 32 years of age and sometimes I thinks she's like 18 just because of the way she acts at times. Well most of the time. And I can't stand it. I am starting to 2nd quess this relationship and I can feel myself moving back from her and not wanting to be around her or with her at times. But then I let my feelings I have for her get the best of me and I try to work it out with her. But I am so honest when I say things. I am the serious one in this relationship she is just a child in this.. Thats just how I feel because sometimes I don't think she understands the real meaning if a loving relationship and it kills me everyday..

My 1st blog.

Well, let me start off by saying hello to anyone who is reading my blogs. I'm somewhat nervous about letting all of my thought all out in the open to the world, to people I've never met. But I am willing to give it a try. I don't even blog on my Myspace web page, Or on my Uncles family web page.

I just moved to Indianapolis, In a little over a month ago from, Toledo, Oh. This is the 1st time I've ever moved away from home, and I've been getting home sick alot. I find myself wanting to go back home even though I know I wouldn't be happy there. It's very easy for me to become depressed and feeling like the world and God hates me. But I can say I've been better now that I'm in Indianapolis, In. I've been down and out (( depressed like)) every once and a while here. But this is only because I have not found a job, But I did start school.

I also found myself in a relationship that I wasn't planning on getting into. And there has been more downs this past few days than ups. I've been in tears, the pain in my head just wont seem to go away and all the 2nd thoughts I'm having is pushing me away from all of this. I'm not going to say I don't have a wonderful girlfriend. But and yes there is a but, She seems like she's never been in a real relationship before. We don't see eye to eye on anything. She doesn't want to give me my space. And everything seems to have to go her way.

I sometimes feel like I'm talking to a fucking wall when trying to hold a conversation with her. Goes in one ear and come out the other. And I always have to explain things over and over and over + some just for her to understand me. She picks fights with me, Why? I don't know. I don't handle things well when I'm already pissed and don't want to talk. And someone feels there going to make me talk to them. This is how she is, she feels she can make me talk to her. If I don't feel like talking or hearing what anyone has to say. I wont.

Now my ex. She wants me back in Toledo but what she dont seem to understand is that I wasn't happy there. But she saids her and her gf are here for me if I need somewhere to go because my gf here wont stop drving me fuckin nuts...I love my ex, But I dont feel as deep as it use to be.

Back to me. Been here in Indianapolis, In for over a month and still have not found a job. I am not use to not working or not having money. I am not the type who depends on someone to take care of me. So I've been really down about that also. Oh and I'm about to lose my car that I've had for four years. My 1st car. How do I feel about that..?